Who can forget the political freakshow that was the last federal election? Who can forget the barrage of TV ads, the letterboxes full of leaflets, and of course the polling booths covered in posters and how-to-vote cards being thrown like confetti as you ran the gauntlet to get in.

Whilst this theatre has become an expected and largely accepted part of our political landscape, what you may not know is that you paid for it.

Well, if you’re a net taxpayer you paid for it.

For every vote a political party or independent receives, the government (in the form of the AEC) gives them money.

Let me rephrase that; For every vote they receive, they give themselves your money.

Now many would argue (the AEC and political parties especially) that this is a good thing, because it allows us to have strict laws about political donations and requirements for disclosure of donations, because parties can get their campaign budgets from the AEC, not from Exxon Mobil or big tobacco or [insert corporate bogeyman of choice here]. But the net result is that no only are you funding the government of the days bad policy decisions, not only are you funding staffers for the main opposition party even though they don’t actually have to run anything, not only are you expected to genuflect to every political whim of the ruling class and not ask how much it’s costing you, you’re also expected to pay for them to tell you how great they are when their jobs are next up for grabs.

Sure, in the scheme of things it’s not a lot of money, but for someone like me who only wishes to be left alone by politicians, paying them to campaign is like paying my executioner to be nice to me and use a really sharp axe. I do it because I have to, but I’m not happy about the outcome. In fact, it might actually be worse, because at least paying the executioner would help to shorten the whole experience! By paying these political parties I’m actually increasing the amount of torture I must endure at the next election.

This payment to political parties is justified on the basis that payments are in line with the ‘will of the people’. If you don’t want a given party to get the money, vote for a different one…

But that’s exactly where it really boils my blood. We have a system in which voting is compulsory. We have to vote or we’ll be punished. We also can’t write in candidates, we have to vote for one of the options we’re given. (we can vote ‘informally’ but that’s due to our privacy laws meaning they can’t stop you, not because they actually let you vote for anything other than an ‘approved candidate’) And then they have the audacity to say that they deserve to be paid our money because we voted for them. Excuse me?

A shop deserves my money only if I choose to walk in there, and decide I like something they are offering me and swap my money for it, despite having all the options in the world to shop (or not shop) anywhere I like. If you or I trade our money for goods at a shop, it can be rightly argued they deserved it. But if you’re forced to shop at a specific shopping centre, and you have to buy something even if there’s nothing you like, then how can anyone argue they deserved your money?

That’s exactly how I feel at elections. There’s no candidates that represent me, but I’m forced to show up and choose one. And then not only will they use my vote to argue that they have a ‘democratic mandate’, but they’ll also give themselves a congratulatory pat on the back and a cheque in their pocket on the back of my ‘freely given’ vote.

And that cheque came straight out of my pocket.

Knowing all of the above, it will come as no surprise to you that this system of electoral payments was created by the very same political parties that benefit from it. No really, shocking right? You mean they’re using their ‘democratically given’ power to create rules that benefit them? Say it ain’t so!

This goes right into the same basket as politicians generous pay packets and retirement benefits, travel allowances, staffing allowances, and all the other privileges that politicians claim for themselves. They vote on whether or not they deserve your money, and they always seem to believe they do.

And people like me are left wondering where the ‘unsubscribe’ button is. Here’s my open letter to the government:

Dear Government,

I’d like to unsubscribe from your ‘Services’ immediately and completely. Stop ‘helping’ me, and stop taking my money.

Sincerely, every Australian with a brain.

There, that should do it… (/sarc)

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